brandon's desk

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Something’s happening to me. I can’t tell what it is. There is something shifting in me and I feel that my friends have hit a maturity that I haven’t. Should I return to that serious person I once was where people never interacted with me and family members called me serio with no smile?

I miss my friends but I have no money all the time. I have to learn to say no.

Oct 19, 2026

I feel it all slipping through my fingers. Whatever…

Drank when I said I wouldn’t. Smfh

Oct 2, 2026

I'm feeling rather lonely today. I feel like I don't exist to others. There are feelings of rejection lingering. I don't feel like drinking anymore.

I feel amazing when I'm 3-5 beers deep but after that I just drink because it is a habitual itch I must scratch.

The feeling of being lost in life is so scary but yet I feel so self servant to my terror. I don't know what to do to make this feeling go away. Other people just seem to have it all together and I still sit in the room I've always now begging for someone to save me and take me away. What a pathetic thing to do.

I think the world is starting to reject my existence. It is penetrating the subconscious and making others despise being around me.

Sep 25, 2026

Quite often I think about myself. not in a narcissistic type of way but in an objective manner.

my parents came here with a plan to give me a better life. I know what they wanted for me. I think about the privileged position I'm in. I have the ability to dream of getting away from the corporate world and living in a van. I am spoiled in the fact that I don't have to be successful. They didn't have that option and they've had to work incredibly hard for days on end. At the same time, I don't feel like I have privilege at all.

One day, I will do something that will make them feel as though they've completed their job.

Sep 23, 2026

I went on a trip recently. It was nice for the most part but I couldn't let myself fully enjoy it. I felt like I had to hide away.

I wanted to drink and have a good time. The drinking helps with the walking. It was a good time regardless, I just can't help but feel like I was making people uncomfortable. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Sep 17, 2026

Sep 15, 2026

I’ve curated my friend groups meticulously. I’ve lied about almost all aspects of my life. My friends ask me about things and more likely than not I’ve lied about it. I wish I wasn’t that way but that’s how I am. I don’t want people to know the real me. A worm or maggot writhing in a skin suit.

Oct 5, 2026

do people just pity me? is that why anyone is friends with me? when does this sensation go away?

I need to dedicate some time for self improvement. I think 1 hour per day will do the trick.

Sep 25, 2026

banger

Sep 23, 2026

I went to my friend’s mother’s funeral last night. I spent a good amount of time there.

It wasn’t as emotive as I thought. I definitely saw the pain people had, which was terrible. I’m sad that he had to go through that.

I vividly remember sitting on the couch, staring at the chandelier above, and daydreaming of taking his hand and leaving the building and driving somewhere far to have a drink and a cigarette if only for a moment. But that type of dream is childish.

It’s escapism in its purist form yet I believe he would've appreciated that much more than the “I’m sorry” or “my condolences” he was receiving.

I hope if even for a moment he felt as though my presence was welcome.

Sep 22, 2026

My friend’s mother passed away.

I wish I was one of those people that would cry on behalf of others. I want him to know beyond my simple “wow, that sucks so bad.”

I’m sure he knows how much I appreciate his friendship and I’m sure he knows the depth at which I send my condolences.

I will see him tomorrow and perhaps some normalcy will help him keep his mind off things while he continues to heal. I wonder if my mom will be upset that I hung out with him. Surely she understands. She probably understands much better than I do. I wonder if he thinks about what his mom would want him to feel; what she would want him to do.

Today was a rainy day. I sat under my patio umbrella when he called. The sound of tires pulling water off the ground perfectly masked his sniffles and quivering words. He sounds strong. I know he is.

Will Japan remind him of his mom forever?

Sep 16, 2026

The boy I was is someone born out of the environment I lived in and through. The man I am now is a character I've grown into after the methodical murder of all the negative habits I've had to drop to survive the world outside my town.

I've been giving a lot of thought to the 10-year reunion that’s being hosted at a local bar for my alma mater. There's no one I'd be looking forward to seeing. I'm being dragged there by a friend, someone who is outwardly confident and sociable. She seemingly has no enemies while I'm certain that many people will think negatively of my presence.
Will people still expect me to be that class clown they once knew?

I'm heavier than I was then. I've mentally and cosmetically changed a lot since I was 18. Will I fall further into that role if I were to attend? There is a single question that I can't shake that continues to come up whenever I think about my time in high school. Was I well known because I was easy to laugh at or because I was a pleasure to laugh with?
I'm no longer that child who was so starving for attention that I'd feign confidence to speak to new people to make them laugh.

These types of people-pleasing habits are the ones I have spent a lot of time trying to strip myself of. The holes where these habits once were had been plugged with self-preserving ideas. I've killed that old version of myself and become a version that no longer seeks the gratification of others using self-deprecation which I survived with not too long ago.

On the flipside, I think about the people that will be attending. I know I've come across other peers from school who have told me that I was a highlight of their high school career. I have given a lot of thought to that. I can only name around 2-3 people that have had that kind of impact, and it makes me wonder if they're lying to me. Are they just trying to make me feel good? Have I mattered a lot to people that I wasn't paying attention to?

If I do attend, I would want to be invisible. I would want to hide behind others to shield myself from the familiar strangers I once knew. If I were to ditch, my absence would be a self-preservation tactic but the idea of never knowing would gnaw away at me. I haven't completed my thoughts on all this, and I don't think I will until the reunion is over.

Sep 15, 2026